Who doesn't love the quadrennial celebration of the American republic?!
- Skeletons waving from their resident dark corners
- Sparring spouses on the sidelines who are scrutinized on everything from their couture to their tax returns
- Once-valued comrades cast aside without so much as a consolation prize
- Discarding integrity for the chad's parent
This handbook shall provide guidance to those who seek higher office. Nay, the highest of offices--that of the President of the United States of America (POTUS).
ONE: Ayatollahs, Nukes, and a Bowl of Tomato Soup
One of the responsibilities of the POTUS is to serve as Commander-in-Chief. The nation's security is of the utmost importance, for a nationless leader faces a reverse power vacuum--not to mention no tax revenue.
A new era is dawning in national security. The Institute for Change recognizes America's past follies of exemplifying strength, determination, and deterrence. The candidate of change should adhere to the following guidelines which will suffice in the future:
- When speaking with an emir/president/dictator/big cheese, the POTUS should take no notice of a country's human rights record.
- Take a cue from "Coffee Talk with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" episode #53, during which an American panel told the warm and fuzzy Mahmoud that foreign terrorists arrested by the U.S. military will be afforded the same rights as U.S. citizens—including those denied to Iranians. They will also be eligible to receive a GEICO discount.
- Enacting short-term energy solutions while developing long-term energy strategies is preposterous! When in doubt—and you should nearly always be—remember that G. W. Bush will be on the ballot for all eternity, say "change" a couple of times, furrow your brow, and run down the list of environmental buzzwords the swooning mob equates with energy independence. No need to propose definitive solutions that will offer results, as hope is a result in itself.
- Once the friends who helped you get elected locally become liabilities in a national election, drop them faster than a hippie dropping quaaludes at a music fest. Your ability to judge character will not be questioned if you remember this mantra: that's not the person I once knew.
When America is staring down the proverbial loaded gun wielded by the neighborhood despot, vitriol-spewing zealot, or Florence Henderson, we must seek a leader who is different.
That leader must stand apart, not on the merits of their ideas or accomplishments but in the grace they display when communicating to the people! As the fast-food chain with the best seasoned french fries in the biz once said, “Different is good.” After all, good leaders know that actions do not speak louder than words, except for Christmas and Valentine’s Day, of course!
